Why Some Men Fail in Bed

Men: The 17 Ways They Fail In Bed

1. SANDING: the vagina isn't an unfinished tabletop. You don't need to rub it till it bleeds, be gentle. Don't attack the clit with your fingers when you begin, it hurts! Stroke, fondle, treat it like it's fragile. When she starts to get pink, then have some fun.

2. TOUCH 'N' GO: When working your way down to the vagina, don't kiss the tits and head south. There's an entire midsection that wants to be kissed and licked. Girls are ticklish in that area for a reason, use it to your advantage.

3. PORN TALK: Unless you're both feeling particularly nasty, porn talk is ridiculous. It isn't sexy, and unless you're with a prostitute, just shut up. They use porn talk on pornos because it's entertaining.

4. TOSSIN' SALADS: Shit comes out of it, our mouths aren't going anywhere near it. Don't expect girls to leap with joy when you ask her to stick her tongue where 'the sun don't shine'. guys will stick their cocks anywhere that's warm and moist, girls have some self respect.

5. TONGUES AREN'T 6" LONG: Unless you're Gene Simmons, save your energy for our clits. There's a reason most penises are over 3" long, they feel better. Lick everything, we aren't limited to one main sexual organ like you saps. Everything feels good.

6. SLOBBER: Licking and wetness feel good, slobber doesn't. There's no reason we should be dripping with spit, just sweat.

7. VACUUMING: A little aggression and dominance is fun, but don't suck our face in when you kiss us. We love our lips and don't want them sucked off. Kissing style can make or break good sex. If a girl pulls away with a slobbery mouth and terrified look on her face, you aren't a good kisser.

8. SOCKS OFF: Take off your stinking socks! You can have our pants off in 0.03 seconds, can't you manage to pull the stinky rags off your feet?

9. DON'T HELP: If we're going down on you, don't put your hand on our head to guide us. It pisses us off. We have teeth. Be grateful you're getting head! If you want it done differently, just tell us.

10. THE MINUTE MAN: We're just being nice when we say its OK. It's not OK, get some fucking endurance. Jerk off ahead of time, think about your great-grandmother, whatever it takes, we deserve to be pleased too.

11. HANDS OF THE REMOTE: Don't roll over and reach for the remote when sex is done. If you don't feel like cuddling and talking afterwards, go jerk off. We just rolled around with your sweaty hairy ass, give us some attention.

12. PELVIC THRUST: If positioned in missionary, don't ram your pelvic bone into our legs. If you want to beat our uterus with your penis, do it doggy style. If you notice us cringing, there's a good chance it's from pain, not pleasure.

13. STUBBLE: Stubble burns hurts. If you think you're going to be lucky enough to get into our pants, shave your fucking face. If you have a beard, that's fine, they can be fun. But if you normally shave and you've got a shadow, get rid of it. It's as pleasurable as coarse sandpaper.

14. YOU'RE NOT 15: Don't give us bite marks or hickeys anywhere that aren't normally covered up with clothing. They were cool marks in school, but they look ridiculous on adults. You aren't marking your territory.

15. YOU'RE NOT #1: Don't assume you're good in bed. If we look bored, it's because we are, not because we're in mindless ecstasy. If you're just thrusting away to get yourself off, you suck in bed. If we say, "Ooh ooh, yeah that's good," you suck in bed. If we're shaking uncontrollably to the point of seizure, good job.

16. SWALLOW: You are what you eat. If you eat a lot of garlic and meat, your cum will taste like shit. Swallow it yourself sometime, don't expect us to swallow if you won't.

17. 3 AM POKE: We don't think it's cute or sexy when you poke us at  3 am for sex. There is plenty of time during waking hours for sex and we probably just fell asleep on account of your snoring.

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